When Son of Ishtar Attacks Lord Stanley

In the last six months we’ve been contacted by representatives from two different feature-length films, both including hockey in their stories. We were provided with promotional material and politely asked to assist in the marketing endeavors. We found the outreach flattering, and so we obliged.
We are greatly anticipating the release of ‘Pond Hockey’ this November, and will assist its filmmakers additionally in every manner we possibly can.
With Mike Myers’ ‘The Love Guru,’ now in its third week of screening nationwide, not so much enthusiasm . . . insomuch as the film, accumulating from critics an average grade of D+, is quickly earning the ignominious designation as one of the worst cinematic creations in the history of humanity.
Rotten Tomatoes has tabulated 122 reviews of the abomination and classified 103 of them as rotten.
“It’s just deadly,” exclaims Richard Roeper of Ebert & Roeper.
“Holy Dave Keon!” begins Newsday’s ‘Sportswatch’ columnist Neil Best. “Even I am shocked by the level of disgust over [The Love Guru] being expressed by movie critics.”
The dreck, which cost $64 million to make, to date has grossed just $13 million (and likely will limp to $20 million). Who would have imagined a month ago that a Mike Myers comedy with one Jessica Alba in the cast would struggle to surpass the gross receipts of say ‘Meatballs 4,’ ‘Snowboard Academy,’ ‘Die Hard Dracula,’ and ‘Soccer Dog: The Movie’ ?
The Internet Movie Database has a ranking of a “Bottom 100” films of all time; look for ‘Love Guru’ to make its debut in it soon.
For me, it’s poetic justice. ‘Guru’s’ marketers concocted all manner of disingenuous pledges of admiration for each and every hockey blog it solicited. They sugared us with flattery and even went so far as to claim that OFB’s assistance was one that was going to be “personally conveyed to Mike Myers.” Whatever.
We feel dirty for having participated in the mass e-marketing of this bomb, and while we know that it’s metaphysically impossible for more than 11 or 12 or our readers to have patronized it, to them, we express particular and red-faced regret. Your tickets to ‘Pond Hockey’ are on us.
But imagine the blazered communications and PR flacks in the NHL’s New York office. The league went above and beyond in its support of the crap film. Amazingly enough, today the league still acknowledges its supporting role on its web site. I wonder if Gary Bettman had a say in the matter?
Anyway, we’ll talk no more of this movie monstrocity, and instead try and cleanse your film palate with this promotional snippet for the movie we’re proud to have associated ourselves with.

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3 Responses to When Son of Ishtar Attacks Lord Stanley

  1. Sports Tsar says:

    i feel just as dirty for going to see it. at least it was only a $6 matinee…

  2. Grooven says:

    That’s the hazard of movies. Sometimes you know it’ll suck from the promos months in advance. And sometimes you fall victim to PR. (Sometimes you even help PR.)
    But, your readers should know better than to take your word on a movie that you haven’t seen. It’s not like you gave it a review. All you do is point out that there’s hockey in the storyline. But c’mon, if it has the Maple Leafs in it, just how good a movie is it really going to be?
    Here’s hoping the next one is better.
    And let that be a lesson to you about shilling for The Man.

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